Sometimes the journey goes to a place that is unexpected, but we still find our way to get back on track. This is my adventure in trying to find myself amongst the side paths, traps, and shortcuts.
I am now convinced New York just makes me more depressed for whatever reason. Not exactly sure, but I’ll find out.
Chin up, buttercup. You can do it.
Even after almost 10 months of dating, I find myself getting embarrassed when I look at him. I get flustered and I feel warm. It’s such a weird feeling that I’m not used to. The idea of loving someone so much that they become more and more attractive to you, it seems unreal to me. It’s a little scary for me though. I haven’t let anyone in like this in a long time. I could almost say I’ve never let anyone in like this or see all these sides of me. See me at my weakest and know what kind of person I really am. It scares me, but I can really say I do love him.
We were talking about the future about what’s going to happen when I graduate. We won’t live together quite yet if I do get to move up to SF area, but we’d be so much closer and I’d want that so badly. Almost a year of LDR and even though it isn’t as bad as others, I’m tired of having it be this way and I want to do something about it.
After my parents falling out of my heart in the sense that I just..won’t be able to forgive them for awhile, he means the world to me. And it’s not even puppy love or infatuation at this point because it’s been so long. It feels real. I’m happy.
My life has become better, way better and I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I think I’ve finally found myself and found a good place for myself. I don’t know what changed it really but things just clicked and things make more sense now. I just feel content, and it’s a really good feeling.
To just people who’ve been there for me, thank you. Thank you for pushing me and I hope that I’ve helped you in the same way.
What I’ve learned of myself recently:
Count your blessings, pray for the best, and just keep hoping things will work.
There’s no reason to freak out anymore and there’s no reason to be scared anymore. As long as there’s confidence in myself and in everything, then I have nothing to fear. I just need to keep pushing myself to continue and need to push myself to improve myself in all different aspects. It’s a difficult time and I haven’t been this depressed in a long time, but I believe that things will get better. I believe I will try harder and get there.
“Sometimes the journey goes to a place that is unexpected, but we still find our way to get back on track. This is my adventure in trying to find myself amongst the side paths, traps, and shortcuts.”
I’ve used this as my quote for this side blog, and I was thinking about it, the more I realized I still have not found my way back onto that track. I don’t have conviction and I don’t understand myself still. I just don’t know where I went wrong nor where to lead myself. I have my life together in the sense that I have ideas of what I want to do. When it comes to my academic life or work life, I know what I want and I know how to get there. But emotionally, I feel so damaged and I constantly feel like something is wrong with me. There are very few things that I can just commit to so when I commit to something quickly, it means I really want it and I just want to keep fighting for it. I hate giving up. It makes me feel like I’ve failed and I always just put it all on myself that I would be the reason why things go wrong.
I just don’t have the confidence in myself anymore. It’s hard to really figure out what to do and to figure out how to really get things going. I would love to be able to just..not be damaged anymore. I just keep trying and trying to make myself feel better and to just keep going, but nothing seems to work. It always just goes back to square one. Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I don’t know how it got to this point. Got to the point where I almost hate myself. I’m not talking about like casually saying it but I mean it when I say really I hate myself.
I haven’t slept in three or four days really. I’ve taken a couple hour naps every day, but since Thursday I haven’t been able to fall asleep. I just lay in bed and sit there and just can’t find myself to falling asleep. I don’t know why.
I feel this, I feel this a lot.
The future terrifies me and I always think of many different scenarios and run them through my head. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be “okay.” I’m just hoping for the day I really can feel comfortable and confident in myself and actually believe in myself.
I seriously just had an argument about this with you. Unreal. I made a small statement about the MCAT in comparison to the LSAT’s and you have to make this decision to go all out on it. And when I finally admit part of my flaw in the argument, you just say “oh I didn’t hear that, you didn’t say it.” Like okay, you have such infallible memory, I’m sorry. I totally forgot that you clearly know better. You know, moments like this add to the reasons why we broke up, among a lot of other things. You are just completely unyielding and you have to always prove that you are correct. That’s why I find it so hilarious when you’re telling me that I’m always so defensive about things when you always have this need to prove yourself correct. And then when I actually prove you wrong, you just nonchalantly try to dismiss it. It’s like, yeah I fucking see what you did there. On top of the fact that you’re a fucking completely hypocrite and when I tap you, you tell me oh don’t touch me. But it’s okay for you to slap me or just hit me with things to get my attention. Okay, that totally makes sense and you say you can live with being a hypocrite in that sense. Fucking unreal.
You tell me how you lost faith after we broke up, but I lost faith in a lot of things and was equally as hurt. I understand I fucked up the relationship in the end and I won’t disregard my actions, but you are equally at fault as well. Like the times where you had people text you behind my back asking for sexual relations. You didn’t think it was okay for me to know this and when I talked to you about it, you didn’t even stop. You didn’t see what was wrong about it because you didn’t “address it”. You let it happen even when I asked you so many times to stop. You even let it happen behind my back since I’d see the texts and you would just quickly ignore it for the time being. Or the time you hooked up with Dan on Halloween because you got so drunk you couldn’t control yourself and you didn’t check in with me all night even though I asked for just a text. Or how you wanted other people’s attention with the photos of your body because you just wanted to be “lusted” after. Or the times I asked you to stop going on grindr many times. You tell me how much you lost faith, well you don’t understand how much you actually hurt me either. You only know that I didn’t feel appreciated anymore, which I didn’t. I felt like your bank account. I felt like all the small things I did for you meant nothing.
When I went to pick up your phone from the guy who picked it up after you dropped it in the rain. I called it for an hour straight in the pouring rain at 3 am to get your phone back. I bought you fucking cake on the way back. All the times I’d surprise you with treats and what not, taken you out for anniversaries, etc. We always did what you wanted, even now, Vinh. You probably don’t even realize that. If you want to go grocery shopping a certain day, go shopping somewhere, and I oblige. I still do a lot of the things you ask me to do, Vinh, out of respect. But I just don’t think you care about my opinion. You don’t care what I have to say and you do as you wish.
Another rejection. When will it become my time to shine? I’m getting tired of failure. I just want at least an interview telling me that I’m noticeable or that I have potential. I’m not asking for the job outright. Just something. Throw a bone at me.